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Oh Michael Jackson, why'd you even have to do a thing. [07 Jul 2009|08:17pm]
Buncha celebrities singing "We Are The World" at the end of the Michael Jackson tribute:



A point my brother made on Facebook rings true: something about this video in particular really makes you realise that Jackson is dead, and he's not coming back.

I'm not naive. I don't think Jackson's planned "This Is It" tour would have re-spawned his career, certainly not on a "Thriller" level. He was just too fucked up, too controversial, and too much of a liability (his album production costs were far beyond the profit margin). When Jackson died, one news site made mention of the fact Jackson was so effed, he had no idea how many shows he was putting on for "This Is It." The official count was 50, but Jackson thought he was only doing ten.

But in spite of everything the dude has and hasn't done, I can't help but notice how thoroughly his music has brought the world together. Even in a city like Toronto, where countless races mingle at any given minute, music is a polarising force. But today, there's a Michael Jackson tribute going on in every corner of the world, and it's attended by whites, blacks, Asians, natives, and Martians.

Michael's music vaulted above and beyond racial barriers. Most musicians have a hard time accomplishing that today. In the '80s, despite pioneers like Elvis and The Clash, it was almost unheard of.

I also remember how my grade 5 teacher would make us sing "We Are The World" all the freakin' time, but the dude couldn't carry a tune or play a guitar to save humanity, and he took us all down with him. It was so fucking tragic.
3 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

I'm loving it. Yessss... [04 Jul 2009|09:57pm]
I've been going through some of the ancient entries on this journal.

"I've seen some things, man. And some stuff."

9 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Super Mario Mistake [04 Jul 2009|07:46am]
I dreamed that I got a sleeve tattoo of the Mario sprite from the original Super Mario Bros standing against a backdrop of ugly grey bricks.

In record time, I was full of regret.
5 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Son of Horror Mole [01 Jul 2009|02:25pm]
Guess which old friend has returned to my life for a second howdy-doo?

Horror Mole.

For those of you who weren't around when Horror Mole and I first made our acquaintance, basically, a weird mole appeared on my thigh last year. It was a sickly, reddish thing surrounded by yellowish bruising and it looked, to quote my father, "Like every picture I've ever seen of a cancerous mole."

So I went to the dermatologist. He cut it out, analysed it, and said it was a benign cyst, thankfully. I resumed living.

But now Horror Mole is back in the exact same spot, its irregular edges bleeding over my old scar. Same colour, same faint "bruising." It appeared very suddenly, too. One day it wasn't there, next day, "Hey, how ya doin'?"

I suppose it's the nature of cysts to return: I have a baker's cyst in my knee that can't be surgically removed because it would just come right back. Irregardless, I guess I'll call the dermatologist tomorrow.

Not today. Today is Canada Day. \o/
4 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Now who's been struck by a smooth criminal? [30 Jun 2009|11:21pm]
20 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Chicken Soup for the Soul [27 Jun 2009|03:10am]
So it turns out I'm related by blood to this author.

Semi-feminist Orthodox Jewish fiction isn't a niche I'll be filling any time soon. I'm aiming for murder mysteries that centre around Ashkenazi cuisine. "Moishe Goldberg P.I. and the Case of the Kugel Cudgel."
5 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

"You're just a big fat mental patient." [25 Jun 2009|09:00pm]
With Michael Jackson's passing, newspapers and blogs will undoubtedly heat up with debate over how he should be remembered. Will Jackson forever ride the memory of Thriller's genius? Or will his legacy be his face, which lightened over the years like the coming of a sickly dawn?

Will we write about how much the King of Pop loved the world? Or will we talk about how much he, uh, loved the children?

Light our darkest hour, popcorn.gif.



...Or darken our lightest hour...?
19 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

The Rude Re-Awakening of Optimus Prime [25 Jun 2009|06:24am]
I've been something of an insomniac for the past week or so, and seeing "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" hasn't helped. Now my thoughts are chasing each other like monkeys and weasels.

Overall: I walked in expecting a big dumb Michael Bay popcorn movie, and I more or less got that. Parts of it were pretty okay, others were pretty bad, but I spent my early teenage years throwing money at the B-list chick flicks my friends dragged me to, so I really have nothing left to regret. It probably helps that I'm relatively familiar with the Transformers mythos, but not necessarily attached to it. I liked Beast Wars/Beasties and I liked the animated movie, and I guess I can't criticise Bay for treating his Transformers any worse than whomever decided to cull an entire toyline in ten minutes (Hasbro/Nelson Shin?).



Of course, Bay thinks he has a free pass in his back pocket that lets him tell the paying public to suck his spinning movie camera. It doesn't work like that. Bad tropes are bad tropes, even in a big dumb Michael Bay popcorn movie. I genuinely feel insulted by Shia LaBeouf's gushing magazine interviews about Transformer 2's themes of change and love and whatever else gives Bidoof the insane idea that we want to see his face on-screen for one second longer than Optimus Prime's.

To get more specific and spoilery... )
15 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

You suck at Photoshop [23 Jun 2009|06:56pm]
Behold! The City of Toronto commissioned the world's worst Photoshop artist to make a summer activity brochure "more racially inclusive." It is literally an Onion story come to life.

Some Canadians hold the consensus that The National Post is a newspaper that's by and for assholes. This story isn't about City Hall wasting money on a project that produced substandard results: it's a passive-aggressive (in other words, very Canadian) attempt to spark outrage from readers who can afford to spend their energy getting mad at political correctness gone crazy. Children are being born into sex trades and Iranians are being slaughtered over a democratic process we take for granted, but won't somebody please stop and get angry over rampant political correctness?

My language is bluer than Sonic the Hedgehog after a dose of Accutane, but I'm pretty okay with PC'ness*. I more or less agree with cartoonist Tim Kreider, who argues that the inconveniences of PC are a tolerable exchange for a society where it's not acceptable to take a tire iron to the face of a gay person.

That said, if certain individuals behind certain rotten brochure covers are going to crow about multiculturalism and diversity, they'd best get their shit straight. The term "African-Canadian" is not the correct one to use when referencing Toronto's black population, which is mostly of Caribbean descent.

It was rough picking a favourite comment out of the National Post thread, but here's a top contender:

"50 years ago, Canada and the US were 95% white. Back then, most Canadians would have been outraged seeing a black man posing as a father in a white family on a magazine cover. And they would have been right. When did white Canadians, and Americans, decide they no longer wanted to be the majority in their own countries? When did they decide against having their own communities and neighborhoods? Or even their own racially exclusive families? Who decided that a majority white Canada is a terrible thing?"


People say that comments like this are hateful. I'm not about to argue that, but I personally associate hate with violence and fear. And I refuse to fear a grown adult who whines like a child throwing a tantrum over a change-up in the kindergarten snack menu.

When you read comments like this, notice how few of the writers go as far as to say how easy black people have it thanks to all this political correctness. "Hey God, I'd like to be reincarnated as a black male so I can sign up for Government handouts and live the sweet and easy life in Detroit on the white sucka's dollar."

Q: So what happens when the brown people all go away and we get our white utopia?

A: We go back to hating people with Polish names, German names, Irish-Catholic names, Jewish names (Done).

___

*I'm not okay with political correctness as an excuse to obscure history and old works of literature. My high school took The Merchant of Venice off the cirriculum so as to not offend the Jewish students, and the Jewish students largely thought it was a bullshit move. I imagine black people feel the same way when they see old Tom and Jerry cartoons that re-dubbed Mammy Two Shoes with a white voice.
13 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Just like bubbie used to make [22 Jun 2009|02:58pm]
*~*~Recipe For the Worst Stink in the World~*~*


Ingredient List:

-One (1) long-coated, un-neutered tom cat
-Various tins of cheap cat food rendered mostly from raccoon testes
-Three (3) years of gross negligence.



Procedure:

-Don't brush the cat, ever. Let its coat mat over until it's helpless to clean its own bum after using the litterbox.

-Let stand for a year or three, or until the outer crust of feces becomes a mummified mass.

-When diarrhea starts putrefying in between the hardened feces and the cat's raw asshole, it's long past time to take it to the groomer.

-Summon two assistants to hold cat. Allow for two 10 blades to be gummed up by generations of shit.

-Give head groomer five minutes to puke.

-Enjoy!
20 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Can't Beat Airman('s Weekend Plans) [20 Jun 2009|11:41am]


On the bus yesterday I saw a Hasidic Jewish kid playing Mega Man Zero 4. God approved.
12 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

May we die in the forest [17 Jun 2009|05:33pm]
I'm usually not a big fan of Penny Arcade's non-gaming story arcs (I've never met a Cardboard Tube Samurai comic I actually liked), but I don't for a second begrudge Gabe and Tycho's need to occasionally take a break from the pew-pew and the jokes about sticking one's cock into the still-warm body of a red ringed Xbox 360.

So I surprised myself by taking an active interest in their latest poll. I would really like to see a continuation of Lookouts, because I'm in love with the idea of a giant, deadly forest that human beings are helpless to tame--so helpless, in fact, that they train their children to live alongside it, instead of bequeathing them bulldozers for the multi-generational Eyrewood Mall Project.

I'm not so much interested in Automata. The setting of Lookouts is pretty standard, but what counts is that it's a magical forest where literally anything can happen. Automata will be about a robot sorting through murder clues while he struggles against discrimination from humans. That story already exists. It's called Pluto, it's by Naoki Urasawa, and it's excellent. But I don't need to read it again with swear words.

Incidentally, the only game-based fancomic I read besides Penny Arcade has finally updated after a two-month hiatus: Fanboys Online. I like Lemmy. He's naive and harmless, but not a passive-aggressive "Nice Guy" lording over a world where former jocks rot behind the counter of McDonalds, forever ignorant of sweet escapes through gaming with good pals who do exactly as they're told.

Then there's Silvia, who doesn't feel the need to remind the reading audience every two comics that she enjoys video games. God help us! How else are we supposed to know?
13 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

pew pew pew [15 Jun 2009|02:42am]
I'm feeling much more like a human being these days, which is nice. Better than feeling like an imitation swamp hag.

Topless Robot is hosting a new contest that promises to be the train wreck of the century: The Most Ludicrous Anime Moment. Talk about information overload. I would personally give the prize to the contributor who mentions a scene in Angel Blade ("Absolutely NOT for children") wherein the female villain grows three dicks that ejaculate laser fire.

I understand that it's easy to become bored with vanilla man-on-woman sex, so people sometimes seek out weirder shit to get their rocks off. Which, I suppose, is how people end up on the wilderness path that is dickgirl porn. But when it gets to the point that you can only get off on anime girls growing penises with deadly spontaneity, it's time to turn off your computer and dedicate yourself to helping the hungry and poor before your humanity is pummeled to death by a sea of dicks.

([info]shikou_mori, I gots your email and will answer later today!)
6 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Now in latke flavour [12 Jun 2009|01:00am]
That dude who shot up the Holocaust Museum in DC has the looks and personality of a tomcat's dribbling asshole, but he's right about one thing: us Jews totally made Obama.

Out of kosher Lego.



(Not mine.)
7 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

[09 Jun 2009|11:11pm]
Hello!!

Just a quick note to assure you all that I'm still your friend. I just haven't been feeling too hot lately.

I'm doing better now! And I queued up lots of deadlines whilst sick.

...I should get to those, actually.
11 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

From [info]zaphy [05 Jun 2009|07:10am]
GAME OF THE YEAR 2009, 2010, 2011, CLEAR THROUGH 21XX.

25 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Help Doctor Stupid [03 Jun 2009|01:47pm]
Hi! I'm stupid! And I would like to enlist you to help me become less stupid!

I want to buy Final Fantasy VII for the PSP. I'm told it's on PSN. I have never bought anything off PSN, ever. How do I do this thing?

PS, I have a first generation PSP, and God only knows if it's capable of getting anything off PSN.
4 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

The Last Ten Unicorns [01 Jun 2009|02:11am]
David and I have been watching old Thundercat episodes. It's a bit surreal, because I had no idea the show was put together by Rankin-Bass. There's an episode involving unicorns, and the beasts are modeled after the alleged Last Unicorn.

The topic initiated some conversation on IRC, where I was reminded of a semi-funny incident at Otakon last year. Peter Beagle did live commentary for The Last Unicorn, which was goddamn fucking amazing. But even he was silent for the moments leading up to the climax of the movie.

Schmendrick, Amalthea, Molly and Lir were making their way through the Red Bull's cavern, talking in hushed voices. The scene contains no background music. Everyone in the room was tense with anticipation.

Then, from the viewing room next door (which was showing a Dragon Ball Z movie):

"KAAAA-MEEEEH-HAAAAA-MEEEEH-HAAAAAAA!"

We just lost it.

Continuing my hilarious recollection, the girl sitting behind [info]zaphy said, "Schmendrick is sooooo hot."
9 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

The Lair of Scott Pilgrim [31 May 2009|10:51am]
[info]henryevil from [info]toronto posted this video in the community: "Saturday in Toronto." I've lived in this city all my life, and I've never seen Batman. Apparently he only appears to people who believe.

[info]henryevil also "apologizes" for the "cliche choice of 'Something To Talk About' as the montage song," but apparently YouTube rejected "National Not It by Gang of Four."



I love how the Condom Shack mascot is copyrighted. I had no idea.

Also, I have a lot of replies to make later on! Thank you, gentle readers and debaters!
3 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Holy hentai, Batman [29 May 2009|10:05pm]
The Christopher Handley case is intriguing and worrying. Mostly worrying.

A fun-sized summary: Handley, a manga and comic collector, has pleaded guilty to possessing manga (drawings) depicting children in pornographic situations. He was arrested in 2006 after USPS intercepted a box of naughty stuff being shipped from Japan.

I will admit I am pretty grossed out by some of the pornography Japan manages to draw up. I'm also surprised at how many fanboys will rush to defend it: when I told a previously-popular webcomic artist that underage hentai makes me very uncomfortable, he made a snippy reply about how it's just Japan's culture, and I should shut up and revel in it. Thanks, no.

The thing is, how do you prosecute someone for owning a drawing? God knows the tastefulness of Handley's stuff is in question, but why is he going to court when there is no clear victim? Pornographic videos featuring children are abhorrent because real "actors" are being used, hurt, exploited. I'm going to assume that the creators behind Handley's manga didn't use a real little girl with tentacles stuffed up every orifice as a model.

I suppose you can argue that Handley was prepping himself to go out and commit baby rape, but as far as I know, aside from the manga, the FBI didn't find any material that suggested as much. No real footage of kids having sex with animals, no filthy books, etc. Handley claims he's just an avid collector who literally picked up anything, and evidence suggests that's likely the case.

Sullying a blog post with the words "Thought Police" is almost as bad as Godwinning a message board thread, but...here we are.

I have two additional beefs to offload about this issue:

1) I have spent giant chunks of my life trying to defend anime and manga. It's come to the point where "anime" is synonymous with "porn," and I've been made battle-weary trying to explain to people that manga content covers a tremendous spectrum. Japan said,"Hey, we can draw anything!", and it did. America said, "Hey, we can draw anything!...but my kid likes this stuff more than I do, so he can have it."

Thing is, people love to generalise, oh yes, we love to pretend we know what we're talking about. When/if this story hits the mainstream news, you can be sure the comments threads will flood with terrified mothers who can't understand why the Government won't get rid of "THAT FOREIGN FILTH" for "THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN." Most parents know nothing about anime and manga, except that they hate it because their kids went through that phase where they never stopped screaming for Pokemon toys.

In other words, if concerned parents were hypothetically driven to make a big fire out of manga, they'd pile Nausicaa, Phoenix, and 21st Century Boys alongside the lolicon tentacle rape extravaganzas. I am deeply disturbed by that thought.

2) Watch Robot Chicken, Family Guy, South Park or another cable television cartoon show with a high shock value. Count how many jokes you see that involve babies getting killed, stabbed, eaten, or otherwise hurt. Your opinion may vary on how funny such jokes are, but I think every rational human being can solve this mind-bending brain teaser: "Is a real baby being hurt in these hilarious comedy interludes? Y/N?" So why is manga being treated differently?

I've heard people say Seth MacFarlane should died on that 9/11 flight that he ended up missing (ouch!), but only because they don't like his writing. I've never heard anyone say, "Seth MacFarlane writes a lot of jokes about children being hurt. He should go to jail because he's obviously drawing up mental plans for a giant baby-killing factory."

I mean...Prom Night Dumpster Baby! Really!

That's my piece. What do you think?
26 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

This is for your own protection [26 May 2009|01:24pm]
I exchanged my youth and innocence in order to study with The Internet and learn its ways. I know how it moves, when it feeds, and the horror of its mating song. That said, it can still surprise me: I honestly didn't expect the hate-on for Susan Boyle to start up so quickly.

"We've had enough!" says Twitter of a woman who has sung two songs.

Despite my initial surprise, I'm beginning to understand the Internet's terror for this strange, caterpillar-browed woman who sought out her dream. Angelic female voices must pour forth from a beautiful vessel. Anything else is just too different and strange.

Not only is Susan Boyle funny looking, but she didn't run to Europe for emergency plastic surgery and liposuction once she hit it big. She didn't even go through an inductive whirlwind of celebrity parties. No coke up the nose, no hamster up the ass. She returned home, to her Church work. What a cheek!

Imagine the chaos if young girls listened to self-respecting, naturally talented women sing about something besides deep-fucking marathons. Are you prepared to live in that kind of a world?

The Imperial Council of Musical Stagnation decrees that henceforth, a female must sing from behind two inches of studio glass. In addition, she may not weigh more than two tom turkeys, her hair must be dyed platinum blonde, and her songs must contain two or more of the following lyrics: "baby," "love," "oooh," "wanna," "heart," "play."
15 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Superman is a Spanish Flea [26 May 2009|09:26am]
Over at 61 Frames Per Second, Joe Keiser wrote a brief retrospective of Superman 64, arguably the worst video game in the history of time.

The retrospective is accompanied by this video, which just about made me lose my shit:

2 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

It is a grim future, full of explosions and partial nudity [21 May 2009|06:14pm]
Something that really gets to me about Terminator Salvation and other post-apocalyptic movies is how co-ordinated the survivor's outfits are. Men have leather and steel ensembles to match their scowl, and women compensate for an assumed lack of materials by letting their cleavage get a full whiff of the ash-strewn air. Do the females of the future have hyper-warm body temperatures to compensate for the watery, feeble wasteland sun?

I figure that, after the Apocalypse, the remnants of humanity will play the ultimate game of "FIRST!!!!" The winners will be clothed in combat leather and black overcoats. The slowpokes will get the odd socks and pink T-shirts.



I think Fallout 3 does a pretty good job depicting what fashion will be like once we've wiped out all our Wal-Marts. The population of the Capital Wasteland scrounges for anything that will hide their shame. Even Nova the prostitute is sensibly dressed for nights of squirrel-on-a-stick and desperately lonely sex.

Ultimately, the movie "Threads" is probably the closest we'll get to observing life after the Bomb without actually being there. I don't advise watching it though, not if you enjoy sleeping.
8 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

"Who the fuck is this Autobot?" [19 May 2009|01:54pm]
I bank with Royal Bank of Canada, which can be found as "RBC" in many parts of the world. I do most of my banking online.

I was shuffling around the site today, doing my thing, and--

Okay, you know that token scene in movies and television where the straight guy is sipping on his scotch and suddenly realises he's in a gay bar? I kind of had one of those moments when I noticed for the first time that this little prick was following me on every page of my web banking experience:



Who--what--the hell is this guy? A mascot? A voyeur who gets off on me paying the cable bill?

The Royal Bank has been represented since 1864 by the British lion, but the website forces me to hang out with some tubby asshole in a bowler hat. Do you see now what globalisation has done?



Stop that! Go away!



You're even worse, you harlot of Gaia Online.
14 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Archie in: These Holes In My Wrists Are For You [16 May 2009|11:59pm]
I still feel like I owe Archie something for teaching me how to read, so last year I collected the "New Look" Betty and Veronica comics. They were about as riveting and controversial as you'd expect from a story about a white boy on a Japanese motorcycle.

The New Look Archie comics live on. Apparently, their "???" whiplash factor translates into sales at the supermarket checkout. Coming Soon: Archie Leaves Riverdale for the sixth time. Pizza Party at Reggie's house!!



Could Archie possibly be any more of a Christ figure?

Oh wait, he was.



Semi-relevant IRC chatter:

Samus> I remember in Hebrew school, we'd visit the library and the boys would all fight over the picture books of Adam and Eve so they could see Eve's tits.
13 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Enter Sandman, dwaaaa [13 May 2009|08:51pm]

Do you ever have recurring dreams? If so, are they good dreams or nightmares?


View other answers



Ha ha! Holy shit, heeeere I go.

I think dream interpretation is mostly useless because dreams are as personal as underpants. Even so, I find it super-interesting that the collective human race has a very specific roster of recurring dreams. Like the inevitable dream about having to take a final exam for a class you've never attended. What is up with that? When I have that dream, it's always for a French class or an English class. XKCD is right, too: throughout your adult life, no matter how far your school years are behind you, you will always dream about that goddamn phantom exam.

Otherwise, it's hard to pinpoint symbolism in dreams. For instance, I like dragons, so if I see one in my dream, it's usually a good sign. Not always, though: once, when I was young and going through a rough time with a supervisor who made a point of bullying me at work, I dreamed that I was in fact trapped inside a building by a dragon that would swoop down on me if I tried to leave the premises. The symbolism is obvious in the second dream, but since a dragon-dream stands an equal or better chance of being calm, it doesn't do any good to tell me that if I dream about a dragon, I'm scared shitless about something in the waking world.

I've mentioned before on this very journal that my dreams are vivid, sometimes lucid, and usually disturbing. But I rarely wake up in a sweat with my heart going like a hamster in a wheel, so I don't consider my disturbing dreams to be nightmares. When I do have a "real" nightmare, it's always about being chased, or being trapped. I wrote about this, actually, in a video game context!

Another reason I find dream interpretation a bit useless is because I don't classify dreams by the objects and events within so much as I classify them by place and "tone." It's hard to describe the "tone" of a dream, but it's more or less the general emotion my subconscious decides to adopt when I Zzz. In other words, my average dream doesn't start happy and end up sad (or vice versa) depending on events: a happy dream usually stays happy, and a sad dream usually stays sad no matter who or what lives and dies within them.

That "tone" is usually set depending on where the dream is set. I dream a great deal about the places I grew up in, but very specific portions of said places. A certain portion of an arena fence, a certain hallway in school, a certain stretch of road, a certain intersection. A dream is frightening or easy-going or average depending on where I happen to be, even if I'm not in an exceptionally scary or interesting place.

Talking about lucid dreams, I can say to myself, "Shit, this dream is boring" and change it over--but only at the start of my sleep cycle. That's probably why I dream about very dull things early in the night; my brain likes to stick me with the fucked-up shit later on, when I can't escape.

I'm not a restful sleeper, which I guess might be part of the reason I'm always tired. You would think I could glean a lot of great story ideas from my dreams, but I'm afraid that if I keep a dream journal, I'm just going to end up writing a lot of stories about squiggly lines. Admittedly, the first short story I ever published (also one of the only short stories I've never published) was based on a dream. It was also really bad.

There, I probably put you to sleep with all this junk. Nighty night!
7 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

I'm writing this letter and wishing you well [10 May 2009|10:51am]


Great Moms of Gaming
2 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

That triple-pronged vibrating thing? Drop it. [09 May 2009|12:11am]
From grades four through six, us kids were forced to keep a weekly journal. We tacked out our hopes, dreams, and Sunday dinner menus in three-hole cahiers, like skins under the sun. It was all part of a bigger "thing" about writing comprehension and communication, but the morbid part of me still wonders if the school board used our entries to seek out and pull aside kids who were being touched and/or beaten.

Anyway, it looks like school kids are still required to record their thoughts, though the schools have logically moved them onto computers and blogs. Here is a grade five student's opinions on the book Jeremy Thatcher: Dragon Hatcher by Bruce Coville.

"The big message the author is trying to tell you that you should nver get something from a store that you have never seen before."
10 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Bark bark bark bark bark [05 May 2009|06:37pm]
Metro News Toronto has a pretty interesting article about dog grooming, with special emphasis on scaring away the bunny-huggers:

"Claws, teeth and sharp tools make pet grooming a perilous business. Those who come expecting to play with puppies and kittens soon burn out, leaving a hardy few who love and understand animals."


One of the more frustrating aspects of working with animals is the baffling number of human beings who think it's a social club, or something we do for fun, not a job that can in fact get dangerous, frustrating, and heart-ripping. Of course, working with animals is enormously rewarding, and assistant grooming (I'm not a full-blown groomer) helped nudge me back on the path to productivity after a long, dark spell of not knowing what the hell to do with my life. Grooming is essentially a trade, and it was a relief to discover that there are in fact respectable options for people who don't have post-secondary schooling--but it's not a job for everyone.

Customers often come in with the misconception that their dogs can appreciate "a day at the spa" the same way they can. Admittedly, groomers don't help that image with cutesy shop names like "Doggie Spaw" and whatnot. A few dogs love being groomed. A few others utterly refuse to participate in the process. Most just resign themselves to getting it done--but not without a struggle. It doesn't hurt. Accidents are rare. But for two hours or better, the dog has to listen to the specific commands of someone who is not their owner, and they're usually not hot on that idea. Grooming salons also tend to be loud (the dryers make the same noise as a vacuum cleaner), and stressful during busy seasons.

That's just the dogs. I can write entire books about the customers. The majority really mean well, even if they have the wrong idea about the procedure: if there is a profession that sees as many late customers as grooming, I haven't heard about it. Advertising a grooming salon as a "spa" puts the owner at ease, but it also gives them the idea that they can saunter in two hours after their appointment time. Well, why shouldn't they? It's just a social club for doggies, right? Foo-Foo can be picked up in an hour with a sparkling new haircut.

No no no no no no no no no.

This was especially a huge problem when I worked at Petsmart, which is located in Toronto's richest neighbourhood. Imagine being on a tight schedule where every second counts, where a five-minute delay makes all the difference between having access to the dryer and standing in line. Now try explaining that to dog owners who've never had to work a day in their life. They will look at you like you just landed from Mars.

A grooming salon also has a tendency to attract fellow dog lovers--albeit dog lovers of the bunny-hugging variety. I remember one Petsmart patron (not a client, she rarely got her dog groomed) who would drive her enormous scooter into our tiny lobby, effectively cutting off paying customers, to show off the latest matched outfit she bought for her Yorkie with her disability cheque. Then she'd park there for an hour and gab about the dog. I felt pretty bad for her because she obviously had nothing else going on with her life, but it never occurred to her--or anyone else who came in at the height of Saturday to just gab about their dogs and slowly mull the possibility of becoming a groomer--that the grooming salon was a high-stress area that afforded little time at certain points in the day to just shoot the shit.

Incidentally, those same people dropped their dreams of dog grooming when they found out a groomer often starts as early as six, seven a.m.

That's why when a retired person says they'd like to open a grooming practise, I tell them to consider it carefully. It's an extremely physical job, and repetitive stress injuries/breakdowns are frequent. It's also a job where quick learning, intuition, and common sense are vital (though I have worked with groomers utterly lacking the latter). Counselors often bring in disabled or troubled kids, asking if they could "just wash some dogs" for a while, not really understanding that there's a lot involved with the process (woe to the assistant who doesn't properly wash her groomer's dogs), to say nothing of safety concerns.

Which reminds me of something else grooming-related that I've been meaning to put up...but who knows when I'll get off my ass and do that.
4 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Writer's remorse [02 May 2009|09:54pm]
I've reached a point in the second draft of my novel that requires close study of my first draft, written circa 2006.

I'm appalled to the point of nausea at how badly-written the first draft was/is--and how proud I was of it. If I had published my first draft through a bargain with the Devil, I guarantee the literary world would have cut off my tits and duct-taped them to my hands so that I would never again touch a keyboard or pencil inappropriately.

What the fuck was I doing.

What the fuck AM I doing.


On the other hand, I suppose notable improvement between one draft and the next is something worth celebrating. \o/

In other news, I bought 400 off-brand Post-Its and none of them stick properly. 400 shitty fake Post-Its are a lot of shitty fake Post-Its to be stuck with.
14 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Making change [02 May 2009|01:38pm]
Just got a piece of spam email that referred to a vagina as a "ham wallet." Gotta admit I've never heard that one before.
22 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Another flu over the cuckoo's nest [01 May 2009|02:56pm]
This Swine Flu business is like the Politically Correct Christmas Wars Redux. If I'm not reading freaked-out media reports about the flu, I'm reading complaints about the freaked-out media reports.

Here's The Thing:

-The flu slays tens of thousands of people every year. But epidemiologists are familiar with the strains that come and go on a seasonal basis, and the behaviour of said strains.

-Seasonal flus generally kill off the very old and the very young, and those with compromised immune systems. The young usually stay healthy, because we can fight it off.

-Swine Flu/H1N1 ("HINI?" "Hiney?") is not a familiar strain of flu. It contains animal DNA, making it a tougher case for human immune systems.

-Right now, there's no need to panic, because the current strain is mild. But there is a need for caution, because there's still the chance that the virus will mutate into something that will fuck up our shit--young and old.

-I will be the first to admit that media panic orgies get tiresome. I was in North America's "epicentre" for SARS, after all. But staying informed, in my opinion, beats growing a tail and a snout only to have the Government tell me well afterwards, "Oh yeah, there's this thing going around." Granted, the more the media cries wolf, the more trouble we'll be in when the real pandemic hits (and it will happen).

-Even if the flu gets bad, we're probably not going to die. But we will get sick. Unless your job description involves shivering under a blanket in front of a DVD of The Breakfast Club, you're going to be missing a week or better of work. So will your co-workers. We shouldn't wait until the last minute to plan for a month-long sick day that might take down 30-40% of the continent's workforce.

-If the media stuffed news of a new, rapidly-spreading flu on the back page of Rag Daily and that flu suddenly shifted and started making people very sick, do you know who'd be really pissed off? All of us.

-In conclusion:

19 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Werewolves and other fabrications [27 Apr 2009|07:34pm]
I'm sorry for not updating; being sick has made me very un-fun. I have a rampant sinus infection that's also made my eyes red and goopy and snuffed out my appetite. Isn't it wonderful how the human body is interconnected? (Fuck you, human body.)

Let's play catch-up!

Dances With Werewolves: (Thanks, [info]brokenmellcifer, lolol) Most of you who read my last post have no doubt decided I've gone soft in the head, and that it's time for the whitecoats to claim me. I should probably elaborate how goddamn surreal this whole thing is.

See, this girl who's playing Emily in the next Twilight movie isn't some chick I nodded to in the hallways at school. She was my first friend from the age of three and beyond, and one of my best friends through grade school and most of high school. She was at my wedding.

But it's not just that. I'm not making a claim to fame or anything; I haven't talked to the girl in about six years, and I doubt we have much in common anymore--though she was probably the only female friend I had who appreciated games on the same level as I. She got me into Zelda, for starters. If this was simply a case of "OMG this chick I was best friends with is totally going to be in Twilight!" I'd flip out, go "EEEEE!" (already done), laugh, and get on with my life.

Instead, her breakout role has led me to find out that she's lying about her past, her background, and it's been really sobering. I've been in contact with other members of our former "club" (sigh, teenagers), and I'm mighty impressed with how far the poison's seeped down into this girl's well: she claims to be of aboriginal heritage (No), but says she was adopted by her Indian parents (also No--but it's not like I can prove it).

Interestingly, as [info]brokenmellcifer pointed out, it's hard to find published quotes, etc, about her ethnicity. It's as if people decided she's aboriginal at some point, and she went along, pulling a Luke 23:3:

"Are you a member of the First Nations?"

"You say so."

"Okay, I'm totally gonna put that on your Wiki."

"K."

She apparently believes her own story, and is marrying a Native American to obtain status. Somehow.

I've kind of kept tabs on this girl for shits and giggles over the past little while, and I noticed something interesting. One, her back-door entry to the First Nations seems pretty recent. Two, her biographical information used to include the story on how she got into acting; she tried to move from Toronto to LA, faltered at Customs because she neglected to buy a return ticket, then hopped on a plane to Vancouver. That story was wiped from her numerous webpages, though--and now she claims she's from Vancouver, and implying it's always been so. I'm not sure if she's saying this because Vancouver has a much higher aboriginal population than Toronto, or because the story of a struggling actress from Vancouver is more romantic than the story of a struggling actress who sang in the school choir for the Bathurst Manor's elderly Jewish population.

I'm usually content to let Fate strap on her tomcat-spike dildo and have her way with petty liars, but lying about heritage for the sake of landing acting roles is abhorrent and deserves repercussions more akin to a nuclear explosion in the offender's face.

I'm not 100% certain that she's claiming to be aboriginal simply to land Native roles, but some Twilight blogs (my investigations have taken me to dark places) state that the movie studio and Stephenie Meyer wanted--and cast--full-blooded Natives for the werewolf pack (incidentally, I had wondered why there weren't any half-breeds on La Push, but whatever). Hay guys, might want to check some Certificates of Authenticity.

Now, this ex-friend of mine has played a number of small aboriginal roles in the past, which is great. Indians are often cast as aboriginals. But why would she let herself exist in a lie that's fit to make the Baby Jesus weep blood?

I wonder if it's because of the average white person's perception of an Indian versus a Native: Natives are (generally) portrayed as a solemn, dignified race of warriors who are more connected to the Earth and Nature than their harried European-descended counterparts. Indians, on the other hand, make the average person think of bright costumes, Bollywood, convenience store clerks named Apu, and, more recently, the crowded ghettos and poverty of Slumdog Millionare.

Remembering this ex-friend of mine as I do, she would want the former. The dignified, proud roles and the quiet admiration of her beauty (hint: there is make-up involved. A whole lotta make-up).

But what does that mean for the aboriginal magazines that are labeling her as one of their own, an up-and-coming star representing a downtrodden people? What does that mean for the aboriginal award shows, where she has performed and accepted awards? It's not like Hollywood is lacking in Jewish entertainers, but would I be pissed off if a small-time actor tried to make himself more "special" by claiming Jewish heritage and forging a couple of grandparents who survived the Holocaust? Fuck yeah.

In the end, though? I'll wait this one out. I have no idea how she thinks she's actually going to get away with it; she's fresh meat for the Twilight fandom, a mostly-stationary pack of zombies who are still too young for part-time jobs. They have time to kill before the next movie's release, and they're already snuffling for details about the new werewolves.

Or, as [info]jackscarab said on IRC last night:

"Miss Korey, there are rumours you are a Hindu. Is this true?"

"By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie."

I've been toying between locking and unlocking this post. "Unlocked" is the winner; for all I know there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this that will come forth with the aid of this post. Also, unicorns are our masters.
10 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Caps lock ahead [24 Apr 2009|06:37pm]
HOLY SHIT!!!

[info]brokenmellcifer!
[info]brokenmellcifer!
[info]brokenmellcifer!

HOLY FUCKING DOGSHIT!!!

Or should I say...

HOLY FUCKING WEREWOLF SHIT!

Look who's fucking playing EMILY in TWILIGHT fucking 2: NEW fucking MOON:

OH SHIIIIIII--

Okay uh, hi everyone else. I was good friends with this chick from junior kindergarten through high school.

(She's also not aboriginal despite claims, and I'd love to know why she keeps denying her heritage. This is just surreal.)
32 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Super Mario Dachau [23 Apr 2009|07:22pm]
It's the Game Boy's 20th anniversary, and a lot of people are posting their best memories.

My favourite Game Boy memory: The time a Game Boy and Super Mario Land carried me through the two-hour drive to a Jewish overnight camp with my grandfather and one of his students.

Sure, everyone has a story about how Game Boy helped bridge rambling drives from home to a designated vacation spot, but my experience was a bit different. Some people listen to music on long drives. My grandfather listened to tapes of Holocaust survivors talking about their experiences in the death camps.

I didn't have my own Game Boy with me, but the student riding with us handed me his Game Boy and said, "Would you like to play?"

Me: "Yes plz." ;_______;

Hmmm, maybe I'll write this up for Nerve. Which, by the way, has switched to Wordpress. \o/
6 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Bag O' Salad [20 Apr 2009|02:22pm]
Wishing you all a very mellow 4/20.

17 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

"BRB, bio." [20 Apr 2009|12:47am]
I am now on Twitter as nadiaoxford. Feel free to add me. I promise you hilarity and mayhem. Lookit me juggle these plates. Whee.

At first I turned my nose up to Twitter. Then I realised, God, what's the point of intentionally keeping myself in the dark? When I first accessed my high school's BBS (through FirstClass), my fate was bonded to the Internet like a hookworm to a stray mutt's large intestine. When civilization crashes and it turns out I have nothing to offer the new world except snarky blogs, I'm going to be ground down for horse food anyway. May as well enjoy what I have.

I do promise that I won't be shipping Twitter updates to this journal. I figure if you want to read my Twitters, you'll go to Twitter. If you want to read my blog posts, you'll come to my blog, or drink a bottle of Drain-O until the urge passes.
12 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Wicked Uncle Ernie [17 Apr 2009|09:55pm]
[ music | Kenny Loggins ]

Today I saw an old guy hanging around a bus shelter, telling mothers with children that he was a social worker.

I don't think anyone believed him. Maybe because real social workers usually wear pants.

Also I don't think real social workers disappear when cop cars show up.

3 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

My new jacket [16 Apr 2009|08:13pm]
I stole a bright yellow spring jacket from my younger brother because I'm too cheap to buy my own. David calls it my April O'Neil jacket.

This April O'Neil jacket has taught me a couple of things about human psychology:

1) When I wear it, strangers dig me. Like, they won't stop smiling in my direction. At first I thought they were grimacing as their eyeballs withered under the tortures of Death by Yellow, but I don't think that's the case.

2) My search for the picture illustrating this blog post subjected me to some really strange shit. I know that every straight male who grew up in the '80s masturbated to this sultry Ninja Turtles news broad at some point. I just didn't realise they never stopped.

Not only that, but a lot of O'Neil fans just can't get off on two legs and two yellow breasts anymore. The fan porn just got weirder and weirder and next thing I know Google image search brings up a picture of O'Neil as a half-naked centaur getting it on with Irma Langinstein. And they talk about marijuana being a gateway drug.

Hmmm. Strangers smiling at my jacket + the world's long-lived fetish for April O'Neil = Zoicks! Let's get outta here, Scoob!
18 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

proswastika.com [14 Apr 2009|08:03pm]
I picked up a multi-design laser pointer for Dante at a dollar store today. He has an acute case of tubby kitty that needs to be dealt with.

Now, I realise that the actions of the Nazis polluted a beautiful and ancient symbol that predates Europe's written language. That being said, I still let fly a volume-five "AAAAH, JESUS CHRIST" when I turned on the laser pointer and projected a loonie-sized swastika on my floor.

Which, of course, the cats dived at with glee.
15 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

I know why the unicorn cries [10 Apr 2009|01:11am]
Do you remember Enigma's Return to Innocence music video? The one that begins with a man's death and runs backwards to his birth?

Go ahead and watch it. If you start radiating dangerously high levels of affection for the human race and the preciousness of life, the YouTube comments thread running below that very same video provides an effective antidote:


6 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

We interrupt this high holiday to bring you placenta expulsion [09 Apr 2009|07:42pm]
My family's second Passover seder was canceled on account of HinJew:



I can't remember which member of my sister-in-law's family said the baby would turn out to be white, but I think they won the bet. Might be too early for payoff: apparently it takes a while until newborns show their, uh, true colours.

Listen to me analyse my first niece's skin colour like a racehorse's teeth.

Her name is Kassie!
11 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Shadow of the Big...Thing. [08 Apr 2009|05:42am]
I am playing Shadow of the Colossus for the first time. I've been completely destroyed by the first Colossi about three times over. I have a feeling this isn't going to get easier.

Still, I love the idea of Giant Fucking Boss Battles. One of my favourite all-time boss battles was with Bruno in Mega Man Legends. The city is my boss room!
8 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Accio Gas-Ex [05 Apr 2009|11:15am]
1 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Pot Pirate [02 Apr 2009|09:36pm]
At a passing glance, Canada and America share a lot of cultural similarities. Deeper study reveals key differences, however. I doubt any developed country on Earth is as confused about its identity as Canada. We're stuck in a British-American limbo, and the fallout is something akin to a disturbed child who throws chalkboard erasers out the classroom window for attention.

But we don't want anyone to pull us out, because that might inconvenience them. So we've built a little shanty town in purgatory and enjoy it for what it is.

Going back to key differences between the US and Canada, I think you can see a lot of these in Canadian commercials. Here's a marijuana PSA that I believe is Canada-exclusive. I'm not going to bother to confirm that because it should be pretty obvious why I don't think this PSA is American-born (aside from the maple leaf beside the MADD logo, hurr hurr):



Obviously, the only question remaining is who the hell trips balls that severely while on pot?
16 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Teriyaki tonight [01 Apr 2009|07:23pm]
Praise Inari! A sushi joint opened up right beside our apartment building.

I was a bit worried about the authenticity of the place, since (the good) sushi restaurants tend to be downtown or in the northernmost part of the city. Then I saw their website:

"!We are dedicating our efforts to make our website looks better, please come back often to check new information that may excite you."

I am so comfortable with this.
4 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

"...I don't listen to hip-hop." [31 Mar 2009|06:58pm]
Teletoon aired the South Park movie a few nights ago. Though the original shock value** has depleted some ("Fuck" and "Shit" go unbleeped on the show now, at least up here), the package deal actually aged surprisingly well for a pop culture parody. It's a wonderfully ridiculous movie.

I only got to watch about half of it before I had to take care of other biznizz, but some favourite quotes include:

__

"Hey, uh, this movie isn't appropriate for kids."

"Look, Mister Homeless Guy. If you don't want to buy our tickets, and not get your ten bucks, and not buy yourself a bottle of vodka, then be my guest."

"...Five tickets, please."
__

"Gimmie some of that candy, Cartman."

"Hmm, let's see here. Nope, I don't have any Jewish candy..."
__

"You're such a pig-fucker, Phillip!"

"Why would you call me a pig-fucker, Terrence?"

"Well, let's see. For one thing, you fuck pigs."

"...Oh yeah!"
__

"What garbage."

"Well, what do you expect, they're Canadian."
__

"Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!"

"ERIC! Did you just say the F word?"

"...'Jew?'"
__

"Do you guys know where I can find the 'clitoris?'"

"What, is that like finding Jesus or something?"
__

"Listen up you turds! Our moms are out of town, but you're still grounded, so you have to answer to me! Any questions?"

"Shelly, where's the clitoris?"

(Shelly breaks a chair over Stan's head)
__

"You Americans have movies depicting graphic violence all the time! We Canadians can't understand why some bad language would piss you off so much!"

"Because it's evil!"

"CAN I FINISH? Please, CAN I FINISH?"

"..."

"...Okay, I'm finished."

(Note: on the news broadcast, Canada's "Minister of Movies" is simply labeled as "CANADIAN" in the same font used for Molson Canadian labels.)
__

"Now Minister, it's not like this is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams."

"Now now, the Canadian Government has apologised for Bryan Adams on several occasions."
__

(Canada's ambassador at the UN:)

"This is aboot dignity! This is aboot not censoring our art! This is aboot...aboot...what's so goddamn funny?!"
__

"I once farted on the set of Blue Lagoon."

(Terrence slaps Brooke Shields)
__

"Kenny, son, we accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live.

(Kenny explodes)
__

When Terrence and Phillip are arrested, the Canadian ambassador at the UN shows a pie chart depicting how much the Canadian economy relies on T&P. I can never catch the entire chart, but huge chunks are marked "Logging" "Fishing" "X-Files Filming" and "Pornography."

**There some debate in Ontario about how the South Park movie should be rated. Most movies fall under "14A," basically meaning you need an of-age guardian accompanying you if you're under 14 years old. The South Park movie was pretty goddamn raunchy, but not enough to warrant an "R" rating--since an R rating in Ontario means you're not getting in unless you're 18, period.

The movie was rated 14A, and the 18A rating (minors under 18 need to be accompanied by an adult) was born shortly thereafter to bridge 14A and R.
5 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Further Arcade Fire [31 Mar 2009|01:43am]
The following, which relates to Neighbourhood #3 by The Arcade Fire, is intriguing:

Despite the pessimistic atmosphere, Butler has indicated that there are "two sides" to the lyrics, and it can be interpreted as "uplifting", noting the lyrics "There's something wrong in the heart of man / Take it from your heart / Put it in your hand." Says Butler: "If there's something fucked up in your heart, you're going to put it in your hand as a sword." Source


Intriguing because Scott Pilgrim literally does just that at the end of volume 4, during a certain climactic moment.

Coincidence? Who the hell knows. I'm going to bed.

Oh, and despite my brother's valiant efforts, Toronto's block of U2 concert tickets sold out within seconds and we have none. RIP Nadia's perfect U2 attendance streak, 2001 - 2009.
2 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Now more than ever [30 Mar 2009|12:54am]
Strange, I never thought it was possible to detest fictional characters as thoroughly as I detest the cast of Ctrl+Alt+Del. I shrugged off Buckley's bullshit science miscarriage arc and everything before and after it, but this whole GameHaven arc has finally taught me how to hate. The influence of the Devil helped, too. Thank you, Father Satan. Will you teach me how to ride a bike now?

So, everyone's going to die in flames when this is done, right? And Ethan will burn twice? Actually, it'd be nice if Rob lived. He's the only character in the strip I have a chance of ever liking.
12 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

Nature's wild way [29 Mar 2009|11:42am]
In my heart of hearts, I knew that The Arcade Fire would eventually end up selling their music to movie trailers. I'm just glad it was this one.



Anyway, I'll be happy enough as long as Keep the Car Running doesn't end up in a Hyundai commercial. Unfortunately, bad things inevitably happen to good music; Stephenie Meyer already cited it as an inspiration for Breaking Dawn. Aw.
12 killed their inspiration| Every poet is a thief

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